COMMENTS & CURIOSITIES:

Listen up. This is important. Seriously. The Center for Disease Control is bringing their mobile health exam center — a high-tech medical clinic on wheels — to Orange County next month.

Le Grande Orange is one of 15 counties in the country picked by the CDC to participate in this year’s National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey and a proportionate number of people in Newport Beach and Costa Mesa, which means us, will be asked to participate.

One of those could be you, and if our luck runs out, one could be me. In either case, if you do get tapped and dragged into one of the trailers, I want you to know what to say and what to do.

I don’t mind losing to Sonoma or Marin, but if we can’t beat Imperial or Inyo, we’re going to look stupid. And who wants to be told they’re not as good as Butte County? Nobody, that’s who. So pay attention.

Ever wonder how people in Holly Ridge, Mississippi end up being the unhealthiest in the country, just because they smoke two packs of Marlboros a day, eat biscuits and gravy, chicken fried steaks, Moonpies, RC Cola and deep fried ice cream, while people in Arch Cape, Oregon are the healthiest because they run 18 miles every morning and eat Grape Nuts for lunch and a six-ounce skinless chicken breast, baked, for dinner, a cup of plain yogurt for dessert?

The National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey, that’s how. If you get picked, you fill out a long questionnaire about your family history, if you have one, plus your health and medical history.

After they record your height, weight, vital statistics, etc., you spend about half a day undergoing low-, medium-, and high-tech tests for everything from vision and hearing to bone density, coronary issues, diabetes, hypertension, which makes me nervous, and obesity, which I resent.

When they’re done, participants get a summary of their results, are told either congrats or don’t buy any green bananas, and they get one-hundred bucks for their time and trouble, which doesn’t buy a lot of either time or trouble these days.

Let’s go over the questionnaire. I’ll give you some sample answers but use your own words.

First, they’ll ask you demographic questions: occupation, income, number of people in household, education, etc.

Tell them you’re the CEO of a large corporation, you make $950,000 a year, there are four people in your household but that includes a live-in internist and a fitness trainer and you have a PhD in structural engineering.

If they ask you to document any of that say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know I was supposed to bring that stuff with me.” Then they’ll ask you the health-related questions. Do you smoke? “No.” Do you drink?

“No. Well, a little Veuve Cliquot and some port cheese now and then.

And raspberries. I like raspberries. Do you?” Could we stick to the questions? “Sorry.” Do you exercise regularly? “Yes.”

Can you describe the frequency and nature of your exercise program? “I work out six days a week (don’t say seven, it sounds phony) from 6 to 8 a.m. I do an hour of cardio, 20 minutes of free weights, 20 minutes of circuit training, then another 20 minutes of cardio.”

Do you know what circuit training means? “I think so.”

Are both your parents living? “Yes, as far as I know.” Grandparents? “I have them, yes.” Still living? “I believe so.”

Has anyone in your family died of coronary disease? “No.” Stroke? “Nope.” Cancer? “No.” Other causes? “None.”

What do you estimate your daily caloric intake is? “I would say, roughly, umm, seven hundred.”

Seven hundred calories a day? “Correct.” Could you describe your diet in general terms? “I could.” Go ahead please. “Oh, sorry — generally, no sugar, no fat, no carbs, a moderate amount of protein.” Could you describe your diet in specific terms? “Grape Nuts.” That’s it? “Oh, and plain yogurt, Grape Nuts and yogurt, forgot.”

The tests are a little trickier. When they take you in for the vision test, turn toward the eye chart and inhale a few times like you’re stifling a sneeze.

That should give you enough time to memorize the first four lines and get you out of there with at least 20/50, maybe 20/40.

When they give you the hearing test, raise your hand anytime you see the audiologist move a muscle — fingers, hands, arms, anything.

If she says, “I didn’t do anything yet,” say, “I’m sorry, I must have heard your eyelids moving.” The other tests are harder to deal with but do what you can.

If they ask why your blood pressure is 285 over 155, tell them that must be a “doctor’s office” reading and you’re normally about 80 over 50. If they say two of your coronary arteries are 90% occluded, tell them you’ll get on that right away and here you thought it was just the blahs.

Can you remember all that? I hope so. I don’t know if we can take it all, but if we stay focused, I think we come in way ahead of Kern County.

Remember, your body is a temple. Act accordingly.

I gotta go.

PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Sundays. He may be reached at [email protected].