‘Mother’: The most beautiful word

You know what day it is right? Tell me you didn’t forget. It’s an old saying in the South, but it applies in all 50 states, the whole country, the world, the cosmos maybe ? “When Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

Is there anyone more important than mothers? There is not. Fathers? Not so much. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not whining, I’m not bitter, but the simple fact is that fathers cannot compete in a head-to-head, one-on-one, mano-a-mano match-up with mothers. Mothers win every time, as well they should. I’ve told you that before, but I finally found some scientific proof to back me up.

The British Council is a nonprofit organization whose mission it is to teach English as a second language and promote British culture, which is very cultural. The council asked 40,000 people studying English around the world what they thought was the most beautiful word in the English language. They compiled a list of the top 70 answers, all of which were cited multiple times. The most beautiful word in the English language? “Mother” ? hands down. The other top 10 answers were, in order: “passion,” “smile,” “love,” “eternity,” “fantastic,” “destiny,” “freedom,” “liberty” and “tranquillity.”

OK, so we didn’t make the top 10. Big whoop. I can deal with that. “Love,” “eternity,” “freedom,” there were some big dogs in that race. So where did we land? Top 20? Thirty? Certainly the top 40. Brace yourselves, dads.

We didn’t make the cut. Nowhere, no place, not happening, game over, see ya.

Let’s review. 40,000 English students from Katmandu to Cortina d’Ampezzo were asked to name the most beautiful word in the English language. Two and a half zillion people said “mother,” but not one vote for “father.” Here is your English word for today, class. Write this down ? “pathetic.”

Wait, it gets worse. Here are some of the words that made the cut, versus “father,” which as I say, did not: No. 34, “moment”; No. 41, “banana”; No. 63, “hiccup.” I’m sorry, but No. 41 is just wrong. Losing to “love” or “tranquillity” is bad enough, but speaking for fathers everywhere, getting beaten by “banana” hurts, a lot.

Actually, the bell ringer is No. 43 ? “if.”

I would like the person who thought “if” was the most beautiful word in the English language to raise his or her hand, wherever you are. At any rate, there you have it, proof positive that no matter where you go in this wide, wide world ? it’s all about the mothers.

Speaking of mothers, many of whom are women ? a very curious item from La Jolla this week. We don’t normally cover La Jolla on this beat, but something happened there last Sunday that should serve as a cautionary tale to every woman who is addicted. If you think prescription painkillers are a problem, just wait until you see what Manolo Blahniks can do to a woman once they have hold of her.

On Sunday afternoon, a sales clerk in Rangoni Shoes in La Jolla quietly called 911 when a customer, a woman in her 30s, tried to return a pair of handmade shoes from Italy, a country shaped, coincidentally enough, like a boot. The clerk recognized the shoes as a pair that had been stolen the week before.

When the officers arrived, they found the woman leaving the store and just as the clerk predicted, the well-made Italian shoes for which payment had not been received. When the officers asked to see some ID, the woman said she left her license in her car but would go get it right away and handed her car keys to the gendarme to ensure her return. The keys turned out to be a head-fake, and the next thing the cops heard was screeching tires and blaring horns as the woman and a friend took off in their car at full tilt boogie, roaring through downtown La Jolla and onto Interstate 5.

Clearly, the officers had badly underestimated the power that certain shoes have on certain women.

The shoe-junkies, later identified as Jennifer Glausier, 31, and Angela Peralta, 35, led police down the freeway at speeds of over 100 mph on a Mister Toad’s Wild Ride that ran south toward San Diego then east on Interstate 8, at which point the California Highway Patrol took over.

Not even side swiping a few cars along the way slowed them down, and, incredibly, as the CHP cruisers closed in, Peralta, in the passenger seat, leaned out her window and started tossing shoes overboard. I don’t know if they were trying to dump the evidence or hit the cars chasing them or if it was a size problem, but the police didn’t find any of it funny.

San Diego Police Sgt. Bob Dare told the San Diego Union-Tribune, “You throw an object at a car windshield at 60 mph, you can cause some damage.”

I suppose you can. Personally, I’d be a little more worried about chasing someone down the freeway at 100 mph than the Jimmy Choo heels coming at me, but then, I’m not a cop.

The other shoe finally dropped in El Cajon when a CHP cruiser did a bump maneuver and sent the car into a spin, at which point, Glausier and Perlata were arrested on charges of burglary, possessing stolen property and felony evading arrest. The women entered not guilty pleas and are being held on $75,000 bail.

Peralta told police that throwing the shoes at police was Glausier’s idea, who thought it might “mess them up.”

Absolutely. You see that in every police manual: “During pursuit, disengage if suspects fire shots or throw heels.”

So you see, different women celebrate Mother’s Day different ways. I would suggest some flowers, breakfast in bed, a little chocolate. Just don’t get between her and her shoes. Too dangerous.

I gotta go.