The kids seemed to think it was fantastic

John Depko

Pow! Zap! Boom! “Fantastic Four” is a comic book morphed into a

retrograde movie with cornball plot devices. Director Tim Story

(“Barbershop”) adds modern special effects and production values to a

cheesy story that focuses on the origin of the four’s super powers.

This film darts across the screen with rubbery ideas, invisible logic

and flaming inconsistencies at every turn.

But no one expects you to take any of this seriously. None of the

players are A-list actors. We all know the computer-generated images

are the real stars of this show. The big effects scenes are great,

but the heavy action is spaced surprisingly far apart. This leaves

lots of boring down time in between the whiz-bang parts the audience

is really waiting for. The heroes spend a lot of energy working out

their mundane relationships with each other. Their super powers seem

to be an afterthought most of the time.

A buffed Michael Chiklis (“The Commish”) is the best of a weak

cast as the hulking Thing. He provides wise-cracking comic relief

like a giant Don Rickles carved out of rock. Invisible girl Jessica

Alba is pretty silly as a rocket scientist who doesn’t look old

enough to be a high school graduate. The Human Torch character is a

young man with the intellect of a surfer dude at a keg party. Mr.

Fantastic is an emotional wimp. The evil Dr. Doom is a cartoon cutout

of a villain.

“Fantastic Four” is a mere shadow of the recent and much better

“Batman” and “Spiderman” movies. It’s a mindless entertainment, but

it pulled in $56 million on its opening weekend. And the 12- and 13

year-olds at my screening all clapped at the end and liked what they

saw. Go figure.

* JOHN DEPKO is a Costa Mesa resident and a senior investigator

for the Orange County public defender’s office.

I see wet people, and I’m mostly bored

“Dark Water” is a remake of the Japanese thriller by Hideo Nakata

(who also did “The Ring”) and is the latest horror movie about a

single mom and child who are threatened by strange events in their

home.

In his American film debut, director Walter Salles (“The

Motorcycle Diaries”) has a flair for creepy visuals and got some fine

performances from his actors. But it doesn’t redeem this

disappointing mishmash of “The Ring,” “The Sixth Sense” and “The

Shining.”

Dahlia (Jennifer Connelly) is going through a nasty separation and

child custody issues, is unemployed and must find affordable living

quarters for her and little daughter Ceci.

John C. Reilly is great as a fast-talking property manager who

tries to make a crummy apartment seem like a real jewel -- “Look at

this stunning view!” Dahlia is about to look elsewhere but Ceci

suddenly decides she really likes the place.

Mom doesn’t seem to notice the nasty, black, moldy spot on the

bedroom ceiling until they move in. Strange noises are heard above,

mom has eerie dreams about her past and Ceci gets an invisible

friend.

You can almost predict what will happen next, and everything is

punctuated by lots and lots of dirty water gushing out of the

ceiling, the sinks, the toilets, the washing machine -- yuck. It’s

also pouring rain outside, so Dahlia spends a great deal of time

soaking wet.

Connelly really earns her salary as a desperate woman on the verge

of a breakdown. Are these bizarre happenings the result of her

imagination, or her little girl’s? Is the building haunted, or is her

husband scamming to get custody? Maybe she’s just angry about being

soaked for the rent on such a lousy apartment.

Whatever it is, halfway through the movie I didn’t care any more.

The true element of horror is living in such a hellhole without a

decent plumber.

* SUSANNE PEREZ lives in Costa Mesa and is an executive assistant

for a financial services company.