Pope’s death no joke; fallout is

MICHELE MARR

I belong to an Internet-based discussion group of humor and human

interest writers, most of whom are past or would-be attendees of the

Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, which is held every couple of years

at her alma mater, the University of Dayton.

The day-to-day patter of the group slants solidly toward humor,

and nothing and no one is too hallowed to be seen as funny, not even

the Pope. In February, one of the group’s more prolific members,

Lynette Sheffield, wrote about the funny thoughts that can run

through your mind while in a dentist’s chair with your mouth crammed

full of tools. “Is it just me, or is the Pope slowly turning into

Yoda?” was one of hers.

With a tweak here and there, her essay could be a script made for

“Saturday Night Live.”

As the winter moved on and the Pope’s health flagged, I really

didn’t expect his dying and death would put corks in the mouths of

this group, where signature lines say things like “because life’s too

stupid to take seriously.” And after all, as Sheffield might be quick

to point out, the Pope was known for having a keen wit and sense of

humor.

So on March 31, when I opened an e-mail with the subject line

“Death sucks,” I was surprised when it said, “First Terri Schiavo’s

death echos (sic) through the newspaper, now talk of the Pope kicking

off is just around the corner. But now I truly must weep. Comedian

Mitch Hedburg Dead at Age 37.”

This from Danny Gallagher, News Rants columnist for the highly

irreverent online Canadian magazine, Caffimage.com, with the slogan

“redefining pop-culture.”

Not a quip ... unless you count eclipsing the world’s vigils for

Schiavo and Pope John Paul II with news of the premature death of a

cult-status comedian who sometimes joked he wasn’t a household name

because most of his fans lived in apartments.

Gallagher’s message was followed on April 1 by another one from

club-touring comedian Dave Glardon: “We just lost somewhat of a

legend in the world of stand-up comedy. Mitch Hedberg (37) died

Wednesday night of an apparent heart attack. Most of you won’t know

who he is, but among comedians he was an icon. Sad week all around.”

Not a wisecrack. I was awed.

By April 4, though, Sheffield hacked through the pall in an essay

titled “Via Con Dios,” first (I’m certain sincerely and respectfully)

introducing her cheekiness with, “Well, Pope John Paul, II, is dead.

And for that, I am sorry.

“He was a good man who tried to please God. There aren’t that many

people like that around any more and everyone feels the loss.”

Then she got on with what she’s best at, being funny, leaving

readers with her top 10 list of ways to know if you should be the

next pope. Among them: No. 5, “You haven’t had a date in 70 years;”

No. 4, “You don’t mind hat hair;” and No. 3, “You like Italian food.”

Once, as my mother considered the dearth of humor in our family

while wondering where my sister’s sense of humor came from, she told

me pointedly, “God knows, you’re not funny.”

I’m not a humor writer. But if I were, today I’d be writing about

the effect of Pope John Paul’s death on eBay, the online auction

website.

Before the days of the Pontiff’s grave illness preceding his

death, there were a handful of eBay sellers dealing in Roman Catholic

religious items such as crucifixes, rosaries, medals and prayer

cards. Occasionally, a couple of them had items on auction obtained

in Rome and blessed by Pope John Paul II. An item might run somewhere

from $6.99 to $20 or $30, with the sellers careful to explain they

were selling the item, not the Pope’s blessing.

There’s a term for trafficking in sacred, spiritual things like

sacraments and other benefices. It’s “simony,” named after a biblical

Samaritan magician known as Simon Magus, who tried to purchase the

scoop on how to impart the Holy Spirit by the laying on of hands.

With the Pope nearing death, then dying, reserves of items blessed

by John Paul II -- ranging from coins and sports pins to rosaries and

crucifixes -- have gone up for auction on eBay, most attended by

extraordinary price tags, many attended by sorry, sadly funny,

disclaimers similar to these.

“These rosary beads were purchased at the Vatican and were blessed

by Pope John Paul II on March 27...exquisite blue crystal in color

with gold tone beads and cross. Pouch included. It was a magnificent

moment that I will cherish forever.” She’ll keep the memory and sell

the rosary to the highest bidder, starting at $100.

Others claim to have beads once cherished by a deceased mother or

grandmother, left in the hands of a religiously disinclined heir who

now seeks to bestow them on someone “who can truly appreciate them

for what they are” for a mere $850 or $10,000. A seller here and

there appeals to buyers that they really, really need the money.

There’s the guy with the blessed coin.

“I have had many years to hold this coin and feel the powerful

comfort it brings. To me it is priceless,” he wrote.

Which is why it can be yours soon, if you send him $25,000.

Then there’s the “jelly bean in the perfect likeness of the Pope,”

and other items not blessed by the Pope or tied to him in any way,

except by proximity of their attempted sale to his death. There’s the

image of Jesus on a Jaffe cake found just as the Pope breathed his

last breath and similar images on an Easter cake -- a bargain at $25

-- and a blueberry snack cake that will set you back $500, because

its owner has felt a great peace and has had great joy since

possessing the mysterious snack wrapper.

Beyond my ability to laugh is the “original bottle of Heaven’s

tears,” collected by a seller in Vermilion, Ohio, where it rained

just after the Pope died “A wonderful tribute to have for the rest of

your life,” read the description. Cheap too, with a starting bid of

42 cents.

P.T. Barnum, no doubt, wishes he were here.

From his new home in Heaven, sense of humor or not, I can’t

imagine what John Paul II must be thinking right now if he’s watching

eBay along with the rest of the world’s goings-on.

One thing I’m fairly certain of, whatever he’s thinking, I bet

he’s still praying for us.

* MICHELE MARR is a freelance writer from Huntington Beach. She

can be reached at [email protected].