Healing the lines of communication

MICHELE MARR

As I began to write this column, an e-mail that poignantly

illustrates its focus dropped into my inbox. The e-mail was a prayer

request whose author will remain anonymous. She has given me

permission to share her story, but not her identity for reasons I

think will be clear enough.

Her request for prayer explained, “I am in the middle of a big

mess at my church ... There is a rumor going around about my brother,

who used to go to the church ... My brother told someone something he

should not have, which lead to the rumor being spread.

“My pastor is mad that my brother left and my brother is mad at

the pastor for not coming to him and finding out the truth when he

found out about the rumor.

“It’s getting harder and harder to stay at the church ... I am

hurting right now, very badly. I am not even sure I can trust the

people that I know I can trust. I am very sad and heavy hearted.”

The damage a few ill-spoken words can do.

The letter writer, who is feeling entangled between her pastor and

her brother, asked for prayers that God would help her find a way out

of the fix she’s in, some words of encourage- ment and something,

perhaps, to make her laugh.

Before getting her e-mail, I’d been thinking about some recent

messes imprudent lips had gotten some newsworthy people in. Our

vice-president, without abandon, told a certain senator to

“(four-letter word) himself.” Our governor, who often seems unable to

bite his tongue, called some members of our Legislature “girlie men,”

along with calling them “children” and suggesting that voters

“terminate” them. Who’s a child?

Which is what 6-year-old Isis D’Luciano may well have wondered

when Richard Riordan, former Los Angeles mayor and current education

secretary for the state, told her, ineptly if not mean-spiritedly,

that her given name meant, “stupid, dirty girl.”

I’m guessing the men I’ll call our statesmen, to give them the

benefit of the doubt, have hides tough enough to deflect even a glut

of sophomoric barbs.

And Isis, already imbued, it seems, with some of the wisdom and

composure of her mother, appears to have deftly handled the remark of

a regretfully clumsy civil servant. Perhaps she even taught us

something as she politely corrected Riordan, telling him simply that

her name means “Egyptian goddess,” then let the photo-op go on.

But not every target of verbal abuse has the same grit. And each

one of us, I suspect, has our threshold for taking it.

In October, I wrote about the website of a nonprofit organization

known as WordsCanHeal.org that aspires to end verbal violence and

reduce gossip, while fostering the healing power of words.

The column resurrected memories for many of you. You wrote to me

about your long-ago encounters with harassing peers and thoughtless

teachers and parents. Some of you wrote of more recent run-ins with

abusive spouses. Others wrote to me about verbal assaults your

children now contend with at school.

Your letters made it clear that the truism, “Sticks and stones can

break my bones but words can never hurt me,” which most of us learn

in the schoolyard, simply isn’t true. Words can hurt as much as

sticks and stones and the scars from their wounds, if less physical,

can be just as disfiguring.

Quite a few of you wrote for help as you tried to get a copy of

“The Words Can Heal Handbook: How Changing Your Words Can Transform

Your Life and the Lives of Others,” which I mentioned was available

from WordsCanHeal.org. Between the time I found the website and the

time the column about it was published, the softbound book was no

longer available.

There are files of the book that can be downloaded from or read on

the website, but a number of you wanted to buy the book in quantity

for your classrooms or a bookstore or a gift shop.

I have since tried to find an acceptable substitute for the book

and I’ve finally come close with two, “Words That Hurt, Words That

Heal,” by Carole Mayhall and “Words Begin In Our Hearts: What God

Says About What We Say,” by Rhonda Rizzo Webb.

Both books are published by Christian publishers -- Mayhall’s by

Navpress and Rizzo Webb’s by Moody Publishers. Both authors are

Christian women. So these books, I realize, may not suit the needs

some of you have for a nonparochial setting.

While each book covers much of the same ground as “The Words Can

Heal Handbook” (hateful, destructive and thoughtless speech, gossip

and slander, praise and encouragement) and then some (bragging,

complaining, discretion, criticism and gentleness), each book is also

steeped in biblical scripture.

The books could easily be used for Bible studies on beneficial

communication. A section of questions for Bible study application

follows each chapter in “Words That Hurt, Words That Heal.” That the

books are by Christian authors didn’t surprise me. The Bible is

chock-full of commentary on the tongue and its use for good or ill.

The Book of Proverbs depicts the tongue as backbiting, flattering,

lying and perverse. One of Solomon’s Psalms shows it false, another

as often sharp. Elsewhere it’s characterized as double, deceitful and

complaining. More rarely, it’s deemed gentle, just, wholesome and

wise.

The author of the Epistle of James wrote, “If any person never

makes a mistake in what he says, he is perfect and is also able to

control his whole being,” much, he said, as a horse is controlled

with a bridle in its mouth and a large ship is steered by its small

rudder at sea (James 3:2).

But the tongue, he asserted, is full of poison and uncontrollable.

“We use it to give thanks to our Lord and Father and also to curse

our fellow-man, who is created in the likeness of God,” he wrote. “No

one has ever been able to tame the tongue,” (James 3:8-9).

Anyone who tries can’t help, but learn how true that is. Where is

the person who has never uttered words then wished to be able to take

them back without eating them?

* MICHELE MARR is a freelance writer from Huntington Beach. She

can be reached at [email protected].