Comments & Curiosities -- Peter Buffa

Baseball is hard. People throwing things at you, slamming into you and

screaming terrible things at you, and sometimes that’s before the game

even starts. Ask Chuck Finley. He knows. Finley, a former California

Angel and now a star pitcher with the Cleveland Indians, lives in Newport

Coast with his wife, Tawny Kitaen-Finley.

Kitaen-Finley is an actress whose credits include “Bachelor Party”

with Tom Hanks, “The New WKRP in Cincinnati,” “Seinfeld,” “Married with

Children” and “Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.” You probably know this

already, but the “Hercules” series included “Hercules in the Maze of the

Minotaur,” “Hercules and the Circle of Fire” and “Hercules in the

Underworld.” If I had to recommend one, I’d go with “Hercules in the Maze

of the Minotaur.”

Last week, the Indians were in town for a series with the Angels at

Edison International Field. On Monday night, the couple went to dinner,

as many people are wont to do when they are hungry and the hour grows

late. Apparently sometime before, during or after dinner, a point of

contention arose between the Finleys.

While driving home, the discussion seems to have evolved into an

argument, with Finley behind the wheel and Kitaen-Finley in the passenger

seat, though not for long. According to Tori Richards, spokesperson for

the Orange County District Attorney’s office, Kitaen-Finley allegedly

kicked Finley with her high-heeled shoes and “at one point had the heel

pressing on his foot over the accelerator.”

OK, maybe “argument” is a little understated. Richards also said

Kitaen-Finley grabbed her husband by the ear and twisted it. I hate that.

My oldest brother Dom used to do that. Even worse, he’d grab the fatty

part on the inside of your upper arm and drag you around by it. I don’t

know why police bother with handcuffs and come-along devices. If you get

someone by the mushy part on the inside of their arm, they’ll do

anything.

Anyway, sometime after the Finleys returned home, a 911 call was made to the Newport Beach Police Department, and here the plot thickens. The

police said the call was a “hang up” made by a third party in the Finley

home. A hang-up call means the caller -- the mysterious and still unnamed

third party -- changed their mind for some reason and thought just

hanging up meant “never mind.” What they didn’t know is that the place

from which a 911 call is made is displayed on the dispatcher’s screen

whether you stay on the line or not, and they are required by law to

follow up, which is a good thing.

Police were dispatched to the Finley home and quickly determined who

did what to whom with what. According to Sgt. Steve Shulman, Finley had

cuts and bruises on his hands and face allegedly as a result of blows

that were struck by his wife’s hands and her high heels. Kitaen-Finley

was arrested and held at the Orange County Jail until Wednesday, then

released on her own recognizance after posting bail of $25,000.

So what have we learned from all this? I have no idea. But it could be

good news for Verizon, Sprint and Revlon. Using a cell phone or putting

on makeup behind the wheel doesn’t look nearly as bad after the Finleys’

excellent Monday night adventure.

At this very moment, there are a number of bills in the works in

Sacramento that would ban using cell phones or putting on makeup while

behind the wheel. But I would bet there isn’t a single proposal for a ban

on hitting a driver using high heels. I think it’s something both our

cities might want to consider.

Speaking of cell phones, cars and 911 calls, did no one see this

couple’s apparently wild ride? If I was in the car behind or beside them,

it definitely would have gotten my attention. Every time I listen to a

KNX traffic report, “Road Warrior” from Rialto or “Big Wheels” from Brea

has just called in to report a Pekinese on an off-ramp somewhere -- but

no one saw this? I don’t get it.

OK, fine. What’s done is done. But with a zillion cars on Orange

County’s roads and freeways day and night, we do need some new ground

rules here. Here’s what I’ve come up with. If you have any comments or

suggestions, let me know.

You may not hit, bite or scratch the driver. Neither passengers nor

the driver may remove their shoes while the car is in motion, and only

one foot on the accelerator at a time, preferably the driver’s.

You absolutely, positively may not twist the driver’s ear, and you may

never, ever, ever grab the fatty part inside the driver’s upper arm. If

the driver has upset you, you may inform the driver in a firm but subdued

voice that you will make him wish he had never been born when you get

home.

My wife added the last one. I think that’s it. I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Sundays.

He may be reached via e-mail at [email protected].