Reel Critics

Allen MacDonald

I can see the pitch clearly, Barry Levinson brimming over with giddy

enthusiasm and gesturing wildly as a bored feature film executive

consults his watch, counting down the precious minutes until he can

escape for lunch.

Barry: You’re gonna love this. We want to do a modern day telling of

“Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” . . . but with a twist.

Executive: Well . . . (yawn) tell me the story.

Barry: Picture this: Bruce Willis and Billy Bob Thornton are career

bank robbers who break themselves out of prison and get back to doing

what they do best: robbing banks. Except they’re called the “Sleep Over

Bandits” because they kidnap the president of the bank the night before

the robbery, spend the night with the family, play with the kids, then

take a car pool to the bank in the morning.

Executive: I’m with you. Tell me about the characters.

Barry: Now Bruce is a wacky, tough, wisecracking mono y mono type, but

with a twinkle of sensitivity behind his eyes. He’s the soul of the

movie.

Then you have Billy Bob. He’s an eccentric hypochondriac who is full

of witty asides and wacky behavior. But he’s also the brilliant brains

behind this crime team. He’s a little insecure about his masculinity, but

who wouldn’t when you spend all your time with Bruce Willis?

Executive: I see your point. It’s a buddy movie. Bruce is the straight

guy to Billy Bob’s clown.

Barry: Exactly, and get this . . . this is the best part . . . these

guys become heroes! They’re famous! People love them! They’re

celebrities!

Executive: But don’t they kill people?

Barry: No, silly, just because they steal money, carry guns and spent

time in prison doesn’t mean they’re prone to violence.

Executive: Could we get a love-triangle going to spice things up?

Barry: We are so on the same page! I want to get Cate Blanchett to

play a character named Kate, ain’t that a kick? She’s the pouty, bored,

neglected rich housewife who loves to cook to sudsy 1980’s hits . . .

Executive: Like Total Eclipse of the Heart?

Barry: You read my mind! Yes! Now both Bruce and Billy Bob fall for

Cate. And Cate falls for both of them and doesn’t want to have to choose

only one! But the guys want her to! And they have to do it before they

pull of one final heist in L.A.! It’s wacky.

The executive runs his hands over his goatee, thinking to himself. A

light bulb ignites in his head.

Executive: OK, Barry, we’ll do the movie on these conditions: I’d like

about 15 writers to take a crack at the script so we can water down the

plot and characters. I’d like to satirize the media by throwing it a

tabloid host that reports on Bruce and Billy Bob’s exploits. I’d like to

have a twist ending that no one sees coming -- unless they’ve seen other

wacky heist movies. I’d also like to constantly skip around time periods

so the movie will seem more intelligent than it is.

Barry: Hmm. Wacky. Seems like too many different elements. Can we just

focus on the love triangle?

Executive: You can give yourself a cameo in the first scene!

Barry: Done. Let’s shoot!

Barry and the Executive shake hands and head off for a two hour lunch

together, which, this humble reviewer believes, is a better use of your

time than “Bandits.”* ALLEN MacDONALD, 28, is currently working toward

his master’s degree in screenwriting from the American Film Institute in

Los Angeles.