PETER BUFFA -- Comments & Curiosities

It is that time again. A few of you have asked for it. The rest of you

may find it useful, or may not.

Be that as it may, it is time, once again, for the Official Peter

Buffa Election Handbook. Don’t leave home without it. I know, I know.

It’s so confusing. Candidates you’ve never heard of, propositions you can

barely understand, claims, charges and counter charges. What to do, what

to do.

First of all, stop whining. Second, don’t stress. Carry your election

handbook at all times and use it. Everything you’ve ever wanted to know

about politics but were too disgusted to ask is right there at your

fingertips.

Ready? We begin.

I always advise people to set aside a few quiet moments before

election day to look over the mountain of campaign mail we all love to

get. Campaign mail is very important. It is a treasure trove of

information. It’s all true, every word. It has to be. People can’t just

lie. The law wouldn’t allow it.

Party affiliation is critical. If you’re a Republican, only vote for

Republicans who are “tax fighters” and “tough on crime.” And never, ever

vote for anyone who is not a “Reagan Republican.” Anybody can be a

Republican. But only very special, highly qualified Republicans are

allowed to call themselves “Reagan Republicans.”

If you’re a Democrat, only vote for Democrats who will fight “for the

people” and stand up against “big business,” “HMOs” and “the wealthy.”

Big business is an especially dangerous thing. Think how much better off

we’d be if there were no car companies or airlines or computer

manufacturers or major retailers. We need someone who will put a stop to

all of that. Oh, and wealthy people. They’re bad too. Check your

handbook.

Ballot initiatives used to be confusing, but now they’re really

simple. Vote against anything that “bureaucrats,” “politicians” or

“special interests” want. School issues, such as bonds and vouchers? A

no-brainer. Just vote for the ones that “help our kids” and against the

ones that “hurt our kids.”

Growth and traffic are hot issues this year, and Newport Beach has two

hotly contested traffic and land-use initiatives on Tuesday’s ballot.

Personally, I think the problem is that we have way too many streets. You

build big streets like Harbor Boulevard and Coast Highway and pretty soon

you’ve got cars. And when you’ve got cars, you’ve got traffic.

When we moved here in the early ‘70s, big streets like Harbor and

Pacific Coast Highway would get really crowded at certain times of the

day. Now, almost 30 years later, big streets like Harbor and Pacific

Coast Highway get really crowded at certain times of the day. It’s got to

stop, I tell you.

OK, let’s get to the big one -- the one that comes with a white house,

an oval office and a cool rug with an eagle on it.

In some elections, picking a president is a tough decision. But this

year, it’s a piece of cake. Never has it been easier to choose between

two people who want to become the leader of the most powerful nation on

the face of the Earth. It’s so obvious. Some of you have been too focused

on issues. You’re being silly.

As you’ve seen for the past year or so, presidential campaigns are not

about details such as world peace and the economy. There is one issue and

one issue only that matters: prescription drugs. Never mind that the

president has about as much influence over the price of prescription

drugs as I do. That’s not the point. If you study the career of any great

president -- Jefferson, Lincoln, FDR, Reagan -- the one theme that comes

up again and again is prescription drugs. I think it was FDR who said:

“We have nothing to fear but the price of prescription drugs.”

Check your handbook. It’s all there.

Personally, there is one thing that makes this presidential race stand

out from any other in my lifetime. For language lovers, there has never

been anything like it. Each candidate has steadfastly tried to outdo the

other in mangling the English language with malapropisms and tortured

sentence structures. If you’re having trouble making your choice, all you

have to do is study the words of the candidates themselves.

Gore: “Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother

and child.”

Bush: “I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is

someone who brings people together.”

Gore: “I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good

judgments in the future.”

Bush: “More and more of our imports come from overseas.”

Gore: “We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the

world.”

Bush (on the Gore tax plan): “It’s going to require numerous IRA

agents.”

Gore: “We have a firm commitment to NATO. We are a part of NATO. We

have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.”

Bush: “A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an

economic illness.”

Gore: “The future will be better tomorrow.”

Bush: “We’ll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country

called America will be the pacemakers.”

Gore: “Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our

children.”

Bush: “We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation

hostile, or hold our allies hostile.”

Gore (at a NASA ceremony): “Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs.

Clinton, and my fellow astronauts.”

Gore (at the same ceremony): “It’s time for the human race to enter

the solar system.”

Bush (on Social Security): “There’s not going to be enough people in

the system to take advantage of people like me.”

And to sum up, from Vice President Gore: “Verbosity leads to unclear,

inarticulate things.”

So there you have it. Vote early and often. Check your handbook. It’s

all there.

I gotta go.

PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Fridays. He

can be reached via e-mail at [email protected].