Peter Buffa -- COMMENTS & CURIOSITIES

Well, it’s over.

The primary is secondary. I know you’re not exactly down in the mouth

about it. Most people would rather eat a bug than deal with politics.

This one was more interesting than most, you must admit. The stage is

almost deserted now, but for a while we had a cast of characters that

would have made Cirque du Soleil proud: Pat Buchanan, Dan Quayle, Gary

Bauer, Orrin Hatch, Alan Keyes, Donald Trump, Lyndon LaRouche.

Then, there were two.

Now, we can turn our attention to the two people who really matter ...

Darva Conger and Rick Rockwell.

Everybody, say it with me -- “Who Wants to Strangle a Millionaire?”

This story refuses to die. It’s everywhere, day and night. I don’t get

it. On the off chance you just got back from Neptune, let’s review.

A few months ago, Fox, the “All Effluent, All the Time” network, is

smarting from the success of ABC’s “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” They

gather together their best and brightest, and they come up with a very

original, and much better, concept: “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?”

It’s a simple format. A group of women compete to be the bride of a

“multimillionaire.” When the rich guy says, “Hmm, let’s see. I, uh,

think, uh, yeah ... Bride No. 3,” they get married -- right there, on the

spot, on the tube, with a zillion people watching.

But wait. Don’t say “yetch” yet. I’m serious about a zillion people. When

the show aired on Feb. 15, it scored the largest audience for a 30-minute

premiere in the history of television. That’s even more depressing than

the show.

Even before the honeymoon (they didn’t) was over, there was trouble in

paradise. As so often happens when people get married on game shows,

things are not always what they seem.

An enterprising reporter found a 1991 restraining order in Los Angeles

Superior Court, ordering Diamond Rick to stay away from his

then-girlfriend, who claimed he threatened and battered her.

Rick’s status as one of the landed gentry was even further damaged when

it turned out he was a stand-up comedian and appeared in two films you

won’t find on American Film Institute’s Top 100 list -- “Return of the

Killer Tomatoes” and “The Killer Tomatoes Strike Back.”

Actually, “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes,” a lower than low-budget 1970s

satire of monster movies, is a cult classic. Be that as it may, when the

biggest film credits on a resume are two “Killer Tomato” sequels, it does

not speak well of an actor’s career.

If you must know, there are four “Killer Tomato” films in all. The

fourth, made in 1991, was “The Killer Tomatoes Eat France.” Can we get

past the “Killer Tomato” films now? Thank you so much.

When the news broke, Fox was shocked and appalled. They had no idea, they

claimed -- not about the restraining order, the stand-up gigs, not even

the tomatoes. They did an extensive background check (they say with a

perfectly straight face) and even hired a private investigator.

Interesting. Would the private eye who did the background check please

stand up and raise his hand? Everything in this guy’s past could have

been found in less than an hour by my 84-year-old mother who lives in

Leisure World and doesn’t drive.

But forget the background checks. From the moment Rockwell appeared,

anyone who ever met a human could tell that this guy was bad news. There

hasn’t been anyone this arrogant and smarmy since Mussolini. All across

America, dogs are growling at the screen and people are saying, “Sparky,

for heaven’s sake, what’s the matter with you?”

When the deed is done and they say “kiss the bride,” he grabs the poor

woman who was unlucky enough to be the chosen one -- and whom he has

“known” for about seven minutes -- and plants a big wet one on her. To

her credit, she looked totally stunned and as if she was going to be ill.

But wait, who was that veiled woman?

Her name is Darva Conger, and she, too, is all over the talk show circuit

within days. She is a former Air Force medical tech who now works as an

ER nurse. The first thing out of every interviewer’s mouth is Jay Leno’s

now-famous question to Hugh Grant: “What the hell were you thinking?”

What sets everyone on the edge of their seats to hear her answer is that

Darva is everything Rick ain’t. She’s attractive, articulate and

intelligent.

OK, maybe. Here is her story and she’s sticking to it.

Darva’s been on a backbreaking schedule for months due to understaffing

in the ER where she works. OK so far.

A friend recommends her to the show. They call and she says “no.” They

call again and say “please.” They call one more time and tell her the

finalists get a car, a cash prize and she can keep the two-carat

“engagement” ring. Still OK, sort of.

The “honeymoon” is actually a trip to the Caribbean, with a chaperon and

separate rooms. She weakens.

Her first vacation in a year is coming up. This could be fun. Besides,

Darva says, she was sure she wouldn’t be picked. Stop.

Darva, Nurse Conger, whatever -- what do you mean you’re “sure” you

wouldn’t be picked? Did this come to you in a dream? Have you been

hanging out with Dionne Warwick? Just what was your plan if you did get

picked? At that point, you got the cash, you got the car and you got the

ring. But you also got the husband.

This is not a good plan, Darva. We should rethink this.

Tuesday, tragically, 21 days after it began, Darva filed for an annulment

in Las Vegas (perfect) Superior Court.

The storybook marriage is on the rocks, damaged beyond repair. Granted,

Rick and Darva lasted about 20 days longer than Dennis and Carmen, but

still, and all, what a heartbreaker.

A relationship that took 21 days to build and nurture doesn’t deserve to

be tossed aside like an old shoe. I just, I can’t ... I’m too upset to go

on. I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Fridays. He

can be reached via e-mail at o7 [email protected] .