RON DAVIS -- THROUGH MY EYES

Death always seems to put things into perspective -- particularly when

the death is a self-induced, purposeful death of a close relative.

While I have been concerned about the local issues in our community and

the recent primary election, those things have temporarily taken a

backseat to all of the natural questions raised by a death, and in

particular, a suicide.

I was extremely close to my cousin’s wife for the past 43 years. She and

I were both 13 when we met through my cousin. She was extremely

beautiful, talented, creative, intelligent and loved. She was a mother,

wife and grandmother. She and her husband were well-off financially, and

she owned and operated one of the nicest gift stores in Morro Bay.

She was moral, religious, reflective, environmentally conscious, and

loved flowers and animals. She was in great physical health. Outwardly,

she was perfectly normal and had everything to live for. But, at age 56,

she took her own life.

She wasn’t some impetuous 13-year-old who took her life on a whim, so

anyone would be right in asking, “Why?”

In spite of her beauty, creativeness and intelligence, and despite being

successful and the recipient of much deserved, constant praise, support

and love, for all of Bev’s 56 years she harbored feelings of

worthlessness. She was constantly haunted by a dark shadow that told her

she wasn’t deserving of everything she was and had, and worse yet, soon

people would find out the “real truth” and everything would be taken from

her.

The real truth was what we saw, not what she saw. But to her, her truth

was all too real.

Despite the medications and counseling, she apparently concluded that

after 56 years, the pain was increasing. She saw no glimmer of light at

the end of the tunnel, only darkness.

I would have never encouraged her to that end, but I’d like to believe I

understand her decision.

We understand the decision of those who are racked with the pain of

terminal cancer or some other painful disease to end life on their terms.

But we have a difficult time understanding the same decision when it is

prompted by an enduring and constant mental pain.

Mental pain is just as real to the victim as physical pain. However, with

the latter, we’re generally able to see a physical injury that relates to

the pain. With mental pain, there’s often nothing to see other than how

the person responds to it.

We, as family members, are ill-equipped to deal with such mental pain.

While we might be capable of bandaging a physical wound, most of us are

incapable of bandaging an emotional wound. We think love, encouragement,

praise and support will conquer all.

But it often doesn’t. Even trained professionals are not as successful as

we’d like, although I have no qualms about saying the professionals

undoubtedly gave us more time with Beverly than we would have had

otherwise.

We can’t tell people who suffer as Beverly did to simply think like we

do, any more than we can tell a person suffering from color blindness to

see a color simply because we see it. Some eyes and minds can’t see a

certain color, and some minds simply don’t process and respond to

information the way most of us do.

People who suffer from such a condition need our love and support, not

our pity. But most of all, they need the help of professionals. And it

isn’t good enough just to tell them to get help. Since they may not be

capable of thinking as we do, we may have to actually get the help for

them.

Some issues in a community aren’t life and death. This one may be.

* RON DAVIS is a private attorney who lives in Huntington Beach. He can

be reached by e-mail at o7 [email protected]