L.A. Man’s ’83 Citation Is Sitting Pretty in Ugly Car Contest

I don’t want to say the Ugliest Car in America contest has gotten ugly, but it has become a bit complicated.

First place was originally awarded to a Santa Cruz jalopy whose body was adorned with more than a dozen clay likenesses of faces. Problem was, it was a neighbor who submitted the photo and the owner of the mobile artwork couldn’t be contacted for permission to show it.

So now the winner may be Larry Locket of L.A. and his 1983 Chevy Citation, says Darren Shuster, a spokesman for DonateCarUSA.com. The company is holding the contest to remind motorists that they can receive income tax deductions for cars turned over to charities.

Which brings up another twist. Locket has no intention of giving up his beloved Citation, nicknamed the Bucket, which is two shades of brown (see photo).

“He loves it,” Shuster says. “He says it runs great.” And that’s OK, Shuster says. Entrants don’t need to donate their heaps.

But to improve the scenery, Shuster says, “they should.”

Unclear on the concept: Barry Stone of Culver City wasn’t sure whether a comic’s ad was making a joke about the cost of his services (see accompanying).

Difficult to swallow: Jay Berger of Pasadena sent word of a serving of one of our northern neighbors (identity of victim not disclosed). And Art Heinrich of Santa Barbara alerted me to one of the science world’s newest discoveries -- a swimming onion (see accompanying).

Such a deal: Don Fawcett of Brentwood received a bit of junk mail that made him feel proud -- until he read further (see accompanying).

Thematic parking warnings: I’ve mentioned such customized notices as “Thou Shalt Not Park” (at a church) and “Vehicles Will Be Extracted” (at a dental office). My colleague Mike Grundmann found another appropriate threat aimed at intruders, this from the John Aust Real Estate Co. in Orange:

“Vehicles Will Be Listed and Sold.”

Even 1983 Chevy Citations?

Marquee madness: An item here about unusual double features brought a note from Ken Ayeroff of Brentwood, who wrote: “On one of my very first dates I went to the following at the old Pan Pacific theater on Beverly Boulevard (honest): ‘Romeo and Juliet’ and ‘The Odd Couple.’ ”

I asked Ayeroff how the date went. “I had ‘Romeo and Juliet’ on my mind,” he said, “but for some reason my date was thinking ‘The Odd Couple.’ Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I sprang for a whole 99 cents per ticket.”

miscelLAny: Headquarters of the Southern California Marine Assn. is in Orange, about a dozen miles inland. Shouldn’t it be by the sea, say, in Costa Mesa? Oops -- Costa Mesa doesn’t border the ocean, either.

Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATimes, Ext. 77083; by fax at (213) 237-4712; by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A. 90012; and by e-mail at [email protected].