Perspective From the Top of a Ladder

Random thoughts, while dangling from a ladder with six strings of icicle lights looped around my skinny suburban neck:

* Common sense isn’t all that common.

* Neither is horse sense nor common decency.

* I’ve never roasted chestnuts on an open fire. And I don’t know anyone who has.

* My next wife will be all-digital.

* Analog wives are fine, but they’re so last year.

* Extension cords are always 2 feet too short.

* Ladders too.

* The Rams are to the NFL what the Lakers are to the NBA--miles above the rest.

* Ultimate holiday recital: the Laker Girls dancing “The Nutcracker.”

* The word “jewelry” always looks misspelled.

* So does “vacuum.”

* This year, the Chicago Bears are using up all the luck the Chicago Cubs never had.

* Leave it to the French to develop their own kind of kiss.

* A Ukrainian kiss? I think I’d pass.

* Eventually, Brazil will develop its own kiss. It will quickly surpass the French version.

* People who live in glass houses shouldn’t get stoned.

* Need a dose of humility? Try doing your kid’s math homework.

* Best piece of holiday trivia: The scrawny little tree in “A Charlie Brown Christmas” was inspired by a Hans Christian Andersen story, “The Fir Tree.”

* All drives are hard drives.

* All money is hard money.

* Except in politics, where money is often either “soft” or “easy.”

* Admit it. Before you pull a Christmas box from the crawl space, you always tap the side to make sure no critters are inside.

* In football, pass interference is the most entertaining penalty.

* Roughing the punter is next.

* Best new book: “Blue Skies, Green Fields,” by Ira Rosen, a celebration of major league baseball stadiums.

* If it were up to men, there would be no tuxedos.

* If it were up to men, there would be no underwear.

* Half of all computer problems can be solved by turning the computers off and on.

* The other half? Forget about it.

* The worst thing about an “Error Type 503” message is realizing that there are at least 502 other computer errors you will someday get.

* Best winter lunch: chili in a bread bowl.

* Things we miss: housewives in high heels.

* How come the French can develop their own kiss, their own toast but still not make a decent automobile?

* Look-alikes: Baltimore Raven Coach Brian Billick and the father on “7th Heaven.”

* Ultimate holiday production: the Laker Girls in “A Christmas Carol.” Including the role of Scrooge.

* Wasn’t Harry Potter the name of one of the characters on “MASH”?

* OK, that was Sherman Potter. But he was played by Harry Morgan.

* Favorite Mark Twain quote: “If you always tell the truth, you never have to remember anything.”

* Thank God for the British, our only true allies.

* It’s been a chilly fall in Los Angeles.

* Which means the average high in January will be 110.

* If it were up to men, Melissa Stark would immediately replace Dennis Miller. On his own show.

* Technically, any big gift from Santa is probably taxable.

* Big diamonds don’t look good on small fingers (spread it around).

* Second best piece of holiday trivia: Producer Lee Mendelson wrote the lyrics for the theme to “A Charlie Brown Christmas” on the back of an envelope in 15 minutes.

* I can’t write my own name in 15 minutes.

* Why is watching someone pull a hamstring muscle always sort of funny?

* A groin pull can be pretty funny, too. Under the right circumstances.

* Actress I’d least like to be stuck in an elevator with: Catherine Zeta-Jones.

* Actress whose name sounds like a breakfast cereal: Reese Witherspoon.

* If new computers become obsolete in six months, do digital cameras become outdated in about six days?

* Old Dodger ticket stubs make the best bookmarks.

* My hard drive seems fine, but I could always use a little more RAM.

* Same goes for my computer.

* I wouldn’t rule out roasting chestnuts. I just don’t know where to start.

* The best sedative: a good dog.

* “We learn from experience that we never learn anything from experience.” --George Bernard Shaw

* Sometimes, guys go up on ladders just to get away.

* Can someone hand me one more string of lights? Anyone?

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Chris Erskine’s column is published on Wednesdays. E-mail: chris.er [email protected].