LAUGH LINES

Big Deals: “Hillary Clinton has been offered $8 million to write her memoirs. Not only that. . . . President Clinton has offered her $10 million not to write them.” (Conan O’Brien)

Can’t We All Just Get Along?: “President Clinton [was] in Ireland, trying to bring the Protestants and the Catholics together. His wife, Hillary, accompanied him on the trip. . . . I guess Clinton wanted to show the Irish that if he and Hillary can live together, anybody can.” (Jay Leno)

Cleanup Plans: “Mexico President Vicente Fox vowed to halt heroin and cocaine traffic over there. That’s a start. . . . It’s a source of embarrassment on both sides of the border that Robert Downey Jr.’s birthday is a national holiday in Mexico.” (Argus Hamilton)

Fading Glory: “General Motors [will] phase out Oldsmobile, [which] is America’s oldest car brand. . . . It will be phased out over the next few years--like the affordable baseball game.” (Kenny NobleCortes)

The Aging Process: “The Texas Rangers just signed shortstop Alex Rodriguez to a $252-million contract. Even Anna Nicole Smith flew home to see this. She went back to make sure he’s stored properly for aging.” (R.J. Johnson)

When It Really Counts: “The state of Florida made People magazine’s list of ’25 Most Intriguing People of 2000.’ Actually, it came in 26, but a hand recount pushed it up a notch.” (Paul Steinberg)

Those Who Don’t Win, Teach: “Al Gore said he will return to the private sector. He will spend the next four years teaching people in Florida how to poke holes in pieces of paper.” (Leno)

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