LAUGH LINES

Say It Ain’t So: “Rumor has it the Spice Girls are breaking up. Man, this has got to be the worst news since the day Vanilla Ice said he was quitting the music business for good.” (Andrew Wisot)

Vying for Viewers: “The Mike O’Malley Show” died after two episodes. “Nielsen ratings showed that during its time slot, more viewers in the 8-to-13 age group were watching their ‘South Park’ night light.” (Bob Mills)

Talk About Precedence: Some Reform Party members want Oprah Winfrey to run for president. “If she’s elected, it will be the first time in history America will have a First Boyfriend.” (Gary Easley)

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The Essential

David Letterman

Top 10 Middle-of-the-Night

Messages Siegfried Leaves

on Roy’s Answering Machine

10. “Don’t forget, tomorrow’s the day we bleach the tigers.”

9. “Hi, Siegfried. It’s Roy--or wait, am I Siegfried? Either way, call me.”

5. “Come quick . . . Crazed Bengal . . . Losing blood. . . .”

3. “I just had a terrible realization--we’re ridiculous.”

2. “Got any shaving cream? I’m doing my chest, and I ran out.”

1. “Dr. Carlson says it’s time for our yearly face-tightening.”

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Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.