LAUGH LINES

Title, Shmitle: In Russia, Boris Yeltsin appointed a new prime minister. “Well, over there, they call him prime minister. Here, we just call him the designated driver.” (Jay Leno)

Silly Science: Dutch researchers have developed a pill they claim can increase a woman’s bust by three cup sizes. The pill is made from hops, malt and barley. “We already have a substance made from hops, barley and malt that makes women appear more attractive, don’t we? It’s called beer.” (Steve Voldseth)

Changing Channels: Reportedly Joan Collins will be joining the cast of “Beverly Hills, 90210” next season. “Which is kind of coincidental because 90210 is her current age.” (Leno)

Big-Screen Bonanza: Ian McKellen is reportedly in talks to play the villain, Magneto, in the film based on the comic “The X-Men.” “Well, now we’ll really get to see if this guy’s got chops.” (Dennis Miller)

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Chris Pina’s Essential List

Top things Dan Quayle would change if he was elected president:

* Add the letter E to every word ending in O.

* Make Cliffs Notes required reading in schools.

* Appoint Deputy Dawg as secretary of Defense.

* Scrap education bill--too many big words.

* Press conferences to be replaced with Show and Tell.

* Rearrange Oval Office into really neat clubhouse.

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