LAUGH LINES

That Is Suspicious: According to reports, thanks to stolen secrets, the Chinese military has been able to make the leap from the 1950s to the 1990s overnight. “Which is pretty amazing when you realize even the Republicans haven’t been able to do that.” (Jay Leno)

Trying Times: Slobodan Milosevic has been charged with war crimes. “Milosevic is one of the first people to be prosecuted under the tough new United Nations law ‘926,332 strikes and you’re out.’ ” (Craig Kilborn)

It Figures: According to a new study, 52% of high school students are virgins. “The other 48% aren’t into ‘Star Wars.’ ” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

A Humming Bundle of Joy: Bill Gates and his wife had their second child. “Actually, Gates confessed, it’s their first child. They just had it upgraded.” (Conan O’Brien)

The Essential David Letterman

Losing entries in the Pillsbury Bake-Off:

10. Newark Cream Pie

9. Resin Clusters

8. Slobodan Slaw

6. Chinese apple pie made from stolen American recipe

2. Chicken a la Don King

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