SIMERS’ RANKINGS

Top 5

1. JACKSONVILLE

Conservative Tom Coughlin calling offensive plays against the Browns--now there’s an even match.

2. ST. LOUIS

No snickering when Rams carry Georgia off the field. That’s what you wanted them to do when she was in Anaheim.

3. INDIANAPOLIS

Ticker-tape parade will be scheduled once a big city agrees to provide the ticker tape.

4. TENNESSEE

There has been some confusion. It’s not Air McNair, but rather Error McNair when it comes to throwing the ball.

5. TAMPA BAY

Trent Dilfer might win a Super Bowl ring--watching Shaun King play quarterback.

Bottom 5

27. SAN DIEGO

Too much holiday cheer: Chargers, winners of two of their last eight, are talking playoffs.

28. PHILADELPHIA

When Lazarus arose from the dead it was a miracle. Resurrection of Doug Pederson means Eagles are goners.

29. ATLANTA

Falcons will be working as ushers at this year’s Super Bowl in the Georgia Dome.

30. NEW ORLEANS

Mike Ditka can’t coach. Would someone please tell him that?

31. CLEVELAND

Browns couldn’t beat Chargers or Bengals in successive weeks. Santa knows when you’ve been naughty or inept.