LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Quotable: “Although the GOP expects to sweep the November elections, the Republicans may have gotten too cocky last month. They were joking that it would take someone like Saddam Hussein to rescue Clinton and the Democrats.”

* “Saddam has nothing to lose by starting another war because his only immediate family is his mistresses. Maybe Clinton should send Henry Cisneros to negotiate this time. If Cisneros can’t outwit him, at least he can outbid him.”

--Argus Hamilton

* “Some Washington wags predict that Clinton will order a full-scale attack on Iraq, watch his approval ratings go through the ceiling and win a second term. Hey, if it worked for George Bush. . . .”

* “Of course, with Clinton as commander-in-chief, the war will be a little different: For instance, he wants to call it ‘Operation Tempest Storm’.”

--Bob Mills

* “If the President attacks Baghdad, it’ll be the first bomb he’s dropped since his health-care plan.”

--Alan Ray

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Names in the news: This year’s hottest-selling Halloween costume is an O.J. Simpson mask. Comedy writer Tony Peyser reports that while other trial-related accessories are also in demand, “costume store owners admit that sales have been extremely sluggish for Gerald Uelman costumes.”

After 3 1/2 years of marriage, former Chrysler boss Lee Iacocca is being sued for divorce. Writer Gary Easley says Iacocca’s soon-to-be ex-wife, Darrien, cited the following: “Right after the 36-month warranty expired, there was a loss of power and the body started falling apart. Then, there was the lousy car he gave her.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger has dumped the GOP to help Teddy Kennedy’s reelection bid, which, says comedy writer Bob Mills, “once again proves the political power of the bedroom.”

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi’s transcendental meditation group plans to ask the city of Phoenix for $29 million a year so 700 followers can send positive thought waves there to reduce crime. Comedy writer Mark Miller says Phoenix has agreed to the offer, “and will send the $29 million--via thought waves.”

Michael Jordan says if Major League Baseball owners try to hire minor leaguers as strikebreakers, he won’t be one of them. Says comedy writer Marc Holmes: “Mike would be lucky to be hired as a strikebreaker for a T-ball game.”

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Reader Christina Kahn of Van Nuys teaches first grade at Leo Politi Elementary in L.A. and encourages students to share the events in their lives. Last week, one said his aunt had died over the weekend, and Kahn asked if students knew another, perhaps more polite, way to say someone had died.

One boy raised his hand and said: “She passed out.”