LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Court watch: A judge in Indianapolis refused to reduce Mike Tyson’s prison sentence. Comedy writer Bob Mills reports that the judge did, however, approve the ex-champ’s license-plate design that features a boxing theme.

Mills, on word the Menendez boys have reached a parting of the ways: “Erik has decided to stay with ICM, while Lyle is jumping to William Morris.”

As the U.S. Supreme Court heads into its final push toward summer recess, more than one-third of its cases, including many controversial issues, have yet to be resolved. Among them, says comedy writer Tony Peyser, is “the nagging question of who’s perkier--Kathy Lee Gifford or Katie Couric?”

The court has also agreed to hear a case about beer can labels. If they decide to put a surgeon general’s warning on every can of beer, comic Argus Hamilton suggests it read: “Warning: She’s no damn good.”

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Quick quips from Jay: Leno, on Vanna White’s baby boy, born last weekend: “She picked the name Nicholas because it’s five consonants, three vowels and no letter is repeated.”

* On the talented World Cup team from Colombia: “Today, the Colombia team overcame one of its toughest challenges--getting through Customs.”

* On Dan Rostenkowski: “He’ll plead not guilty by reason of incumbency. . . . He’s been in Washington so long that he doesn’t know right from wrong.”

* On Connecticut officials closing a juvenile offenders’ boot camp because the kids were goofing off, having sex and smoking marijuana: “Why close it? Just take the fence down and call it a college.”

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We received several versions of this joke:

A man was arrested and taken into court for shooting an endangered and protected bald eagle. The judge said the man would be jailed unless he had a very good excuse. The man said his children hadn’t eaten a decent meal in weeks, so he killed the eagle to feed them. The judge said he’d let the man go with just a warning if he promised to never kill an endangered species again. The man agreed.

As the man was leaving the courtroom, the judge stopped him and asked: “I was just wondering, what does a bald eagle taste like?”

Replied the man: “Well, it tastes like a cross between a California condor and a spotted owl.”

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Amy Omlor of Rancho Cucamonga says she heard a comic talk about a Father’s Day card for the ‘90s:

Even though you’re far away,

I think about you every day.

And talk about you twice a week . . .

In my support group.

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Bruce Campbell of Upland recalls when his younger brother was about 7 and a family friend commented to their father about what a large vocabulary the youngster had:

My brother responded by turning his head to our dad and asking: “What does vocabulary mean?”