THE NFL / BILL PLASCHKE : Key Super Bowl Factors Say Bills Have Come Due

ATLANTA —  You know what they say about professional football

It’s three hours of things nobody understands, like two-deep zones and rushbackers and counter treys and snack trays, mixed in with two minutes of spectacular catches and courageous runs, but it is those two minutes that make somebody want to spend a car payment on a Super Bowl ticket, even though you can see the game and those hot new potato chip commercials far better on television, though you won’t get as close to halftime stars like Travis Tritt, but then, don’t you ever wonder if there’s something living in his beard?

You know what they also say about professional football:

It’s a game of matchups.

So for Super Bowl XXVIII in Atlanta Sunday between the Buffalo Bills and Dallas Cowboys, here are ours:

COWBOY COACH JIMMY JOHNSON vs. BILL COACH MARV LEVY

Johnson’s news conferences are often accompanied by much laughter, simply because he is so brazen.

Levy’s news conferences are accompanied by much shouting, simply because the NFL’s oldest coach has difficulty hearing.

When Johnson was asked about his underwear Friday--we are not making this up--he referred all questions to his nearby girlfriend.

“Or she can tell you about my lack of underwear,” he said.

When Levy was asked about his underwear, he lost all color. This is no small feat, considering he has no color to begin with.

Who do you trust more, your cousin with the two Corvettes or your grandfather?

Edge: Bills.

COWBOY OWNER JERRY JONES vs. BILL OWNER RALPH WILSON

On Monday, Jones pushed ahead of Johnson as the first speaker in the Cowboys’ first news conference of the week.

Two days later, he supplanted safety Bill Bates on one of the raised interview tables reserved for the really big stars.

When we last left him there, he was talking about kicking butt against some unsuspecting Oklahoma oilman when he was 14. Or something like that.

Wilson gave one interview. In it, he delighted the crowd by saying, “I like sports.”

If you paid hard-earned millions to buy a football team, what kind of owner would you be? You bet your brass you would.

Edge: Cowboys.

COWBOY QUARTERBACK TROY AIKMAN vs. BILL QUARTERBACK JIM KELLY

Rumor has it that Aikman, who forgot where he was for nearly 12 hours after suffering a concussion in the NFC championship game, has relapsed.

Much to the Cowboys’ dismay, he reportedly walked into practice Friday and proclaimed he was Jim Everett.

They hoped that after several completions he would realize this was impossible, but no.

Kelly, meanwhile, has already experienced one victory this week.

Tanya Tucker, country singer and a halftime performer, throatily announced, “I know some of the Cowboys, but I love Jim Kelly.”

That does it. He’s the man.

Edge: Bills.

COWBOY RUNNING BACK EMMITT SMITH vs. BILL RUNNING BACK THURMAN THOMAS

Smith possesses one of the best smiles in the game. Thomas has made a career out of scowling.

Smith is the only person in football who can get away with filming a shoe commercial about preseason workouts . . . and then purposely miss all of training camp in a contract dispute.

Thomas is the greatest player in football who doesn’t do any commercials.

“You read all the news articles or listen to all the television stations, and the people that are talking don’t know Thurman Thomas and probably never met him in their life and write about things they don’t even know,” Thomas said.

He added, “Until you get to know me, sit down and talk to me for a week or two, you really don’t know what I’m like.”

We tried. You told us to take a hike.

Edge: Cowboys.

COWBOY DEFENSIVE END CHARLES HALEY vs. BILL DEFENSIVE END BRUCE SMITH

Haley, who will play Sunday despite a back injury, is best known to his former San Francisco 49er teammates as a guy who brought a package of his own excrement into a team meeting.

He is best known to his current teammates as the guy who publicly derided insecure rookie running Derrick Lassic earlier this season, then smashed his helmet through a wall as an exclamation point.

He has been best known during Super Bowl week as the man who cursed an NFL official for asking Leon Lett to talk to reporters for the first time in two months.

We hear that for Bruce Smith’s next trick, he is going to make Sam Malone wear a dress.

Edge: Bills

COWBOY LINEBACKER KEN NORTON JR. vs. BILL LINEBACKER DARRYL TALLEY

Norton has an interesting way of dealing with a torn biceps, which he has played with since refusing surgery three months ago.

“I start screaming,” he said. “The more I scream, the more I forget about the pain.”

Talley has a different way of dealing with hurt.

In despair after losing a third consecutive Super Bowl, he went to work for McDonald’s last spring.

We can only wonder who screams more.

Edge: None. This one is dead even.

COWBOY KICKER EDDIE MURRAY vs. BILL KICKER STEVE CHRISTIE

They are both Canadian. They are both former soccer players.

But whereas Murray did not miss an extra point in 38 tries this year, Christie missed one in 37.

We think those who miss extra points should be summarily removed from the field and forced to spend the rest of the game in a TV booth with Joe Theismann.

And this Eddie Murray can still go to his left.

Edge: Cowboys

COWBOY OFF. COORDINATOR NORV TURNER vs. BILL DEF. COORDINATOR WALT COREY

Turner is a walking offensive computer. He sits in the press box during games with charts, photos, and a complex play for every defense.

During the week he walks around the Cowboy complex, spitting out formations the way others say, “Good morning.”

In fact, he spits out formations instead of saying, “Good morning.”

“He’ll see me at breakfast and the first thing he’ll say is, ‘On the route where you take the guy deep, I think you should try to get set quicker,’ ” receiver Michael Irvin said. “Only

then will he say, ‘Oh, and how you

doing?’ ”

Corey doesn’t sit in the press box. He walks the sidelines. He constantly chews on a piece of straw.

“Just relaxes me, I guess,” he said.

We like that.

Edge: Bills

SPY vs. SPY

The New York Giants recently accused the Cowboys of trying to steal signals.

They were so worried, in fact, that they used an important timeout in the final game of the season against the Cowboys in hopes of thwarting them.

Meanwhile, everybody in the league accuses the Bills of stealing signals.

Jimmy Johnson tried to turn the tables Friday by saying that the Cowboys would not practice in the Georgia Dome because they didn’t feel it was secure enough.

Guess where the Bills have been practicing?

Edge: Cowboys

CONCLUSION

We know we are 0-2 in predictions this season.

We know that both of our picks in the conference championship games held up for less than 30 minutes.

We know what you must think. You are not alone.

But here goes. . . .

We like the Bills to knock down Troy Aikman. With his recent head problems, this could be enough to knock him out.

We like the Bills to hurt Emmitt Smith. With his recent shoulder problems, this won’t be hard.

We like Jim Kelly to have the game of his life. He is having the two-month streak of his life, so why not?

We like the difference that Mark Maddox, Marvcus Patton and improved Nate Odomes make on the Bills’ defense.

We don’t like the back injury suffered by the Cowboys’ Charles Haley.

We don’t like the shortened preparation time the Cowboys have been given to counteract the no-huddle offense. Two weeks last year, one week this year.

We don’t like Alvin Harper, and we don’t care what anybody says about his luck in big games.

We don’t like it that the Cowboys thought the Super Bowl was last Sunday.

And we love this quote from a man who knows a thing or four about Super Bowls, Terry Bradshaw.

“I don’t think one more Super Bowl loss would even faze these Bills,” Bradshaw said. “I’m sure Jim Kelly is thinking, ‘Geez, we’ve lost three, what the hell is one more?’ ”

A winning attitude if we ever heard one.

Bills, 31-27.