Ed Rollins’ New Standard Contract for Employment

WASHINGTON —  Agreement entered into between party of the first part, hereinafter, “The Consultant” and the party of the second part, hereinafter, “The Candidate.”

1. Consultant agrees to manage the campaign of the Candidate with the express purpose of winning said campaign.

2. Consultant agrees to complete anonymity for the duration of the campaign.

3. Should the Consultant find it necessary to travel with the Candidate, he shall, at all times, wear a full-body disguise, form of which to be determined by the Candidate.

4. Consultant agrees not to attend the Godfrey Sperling Breakfast, no matter how hungry he is.

5. Consultant further agrees not to speak with any reporter, either in person or over the phone, or by written communications (letter, fax, etc.)

6. Consultant agrees not to appear on television.

a) Consultant may, with the Candidate’s written permission beforehand, appear on television, if the program concerns a topic other than politics, such as wildlife conservation, art or meteorology .

b) Under no circumstances will the Consultant agree to discuss wildlife conservation, art or meteorology as they pertain to the Afro-American church leadership community.

7. Consultant agrees to escrow one-half of his salary to the Rev. Al Sharpton Anti-Defamation League, for disbursement in the event that it becomes known that the Consultant has been retained by the Candidate.

8. Upon the Candidate’s winning, Consultant agrees to:

a) remove himself physically from the United States (including Hawaii, Virgin Islands and any other territories or possessions where there are media facilities) for a period of not less than one month;

b) take Prozac for a period of not less than two months;

c) have his jaw wired shut for a period of not less than three months.

9. In the event that the media learn that the Consultant has been involved in said campaign and the Consultant, having gone to heroic measures to avoid media comment, has no choice but to provide a brief, written comment, said comment should state precisely and in its entirety.

“(Candidate) ran a brilliant, fair and completely ethical campaign in which I played only a peripheral role, advising him/her on the wording of press releases, site availability and photo opportunities. I also recognize that (Candidate) was taking a considerable risk in hiring me, even for such a minor capacity, and applaud his/her commitment to hiring the discretion-impaired.”