A Dress Code for Athletics

Mike Littwin of the Baltimore Sun, struck by the muse of Halloween, came up with these ideas for costumes some sports figures might wear.

A Ben Johnson costume. You wear track shoes and a child-resistant (to protect the neighborhood kids) bottle of pills.

Jay Schroeder is easy. You just bring your own bench to sit on. You can also make this a team affair.

If the evening is warm, you could go as Florence Griffith Joyner. You need jets on your feet and an outfit with only one leg (tough on cold nights). The good news is you’d be done in under 11 seconds. The bad news is you have to spend the whole afternoon getting your nails done.

Speaking of Jets, there’s Mark Gastineau. You throw the candy on the ground, dance widly around it and then leave without telling anybody.

If you want to be Larry Brown, you drive from house to house in a moving van.

In a Danny Manning costume, you hold out for more candy.

You can go as Tom Lasorda. Wear a buffet.

It’s kind of pointless to go as the Oakland Athletics, because they usually get shut out, anyway.

Team dress: You and a friend can go as William Perry.

Bo Jackson needs 2 costumes.

Add costumes: Vin Scully is a good one, but you need a tape recorder, Littwin writes. Instead of walking up to the house and offering the traditional trick-or-treat greeting, you hit the play button and out comes: “It’s a gorgeous night for hobgoblins great and small to participate in this most American of pastimes, excepting the National Pastime, of course. Set against a silvery moon framed in golden, leafy splendor, it’s a marvelous occasion for meeting old friends and making new with the passing out of candy as the medium of heartfelt exchange. And that’s 2-and-1 on the batter.”

Victor Kiam, new owner of the New England Patriots, thoroughly enjoyed his team’s 30-7 recent victory over the Chicago Bears, particularly because of the insults Jim McMahon and the Bears directed at Patriot quarterback Doug Flutie.

“I do believe that Mr. Flutie put to rest all the comments coming out of the Midwest,” Kiam said. “If you check the scoreboard, I wonder if Mr. McMahon or Mr. Flutie was the better quarterback. Let the record speak for itself.”

Wrote Chicago Tribune columnist Bernie Lincicome: “It is not the first time Kiam, the owner of Remington, has spoken up for a little shaver.”

G’day, bad grass: In a case of visitors insulting hosts, the touring Australian rugby team sharply criticized the condition of England’s national stadium, saying the turf looked like “an uncut cornfield” and urged that it be trimmed before an international match.

“Running through it is like running through shallow water,” Australia Coach Bob Dwyer said after inspecting the field.

“Both teams want to run the ball, so why not cut the grass down to give us a magnificent playing surface,” Dwyer said.

Despite the conditions, Australia won.

Quotebook

Asked whether he expects his No. 8-ranked Sooners to beat No. 12-ranked Oklahoma State this week, Oklahoma football Coach Barry Switzer said: “I plan on it. I’ve always planned on it. We’ve been doing a pretty good job of it in 43 years.”